Quilava’s Weightloss Program

By Mango

Romance is dead.

A quilava with deep purple fur on his back slowly trodded through the city streets with his head hung low, on his way back out of the city and into the wilderness where he belonged. His name was Blitz, and he was heartbroken.

Despite choosing to live a free life outside the trappings of pokémon civilization, he recently had his eye on a beautiful flareon that lived in town. When he finally worked up the courage to ask her out, though, she coldly shot him down. Worst of all, it wasn’t because he was a wild ‘mon like he feared, but because he, in her own words, “could stand to lose a few pounds.”

As he looked down at his belly, seeing how close it was to dragging against the ground thanks to his stubby legs, he knew she wasn’t exactly wrong. Because Blitz lived as a wild pokémon, he hunted and ate like one too, and ever since a new mystery dungeon popped up nearby, his hunts had been… very successful, to say the least. In fact, it’s been getting harder to squeeze in and out of his burrow lately. Maybe she was right, maybe he needed a diet.

Thwap!

Blitz’s thoughts were interrupted by his vision suddenly going dark from something covering his face. He peeled off whatever it was and found that it was some sort of flyer that had gotten caught in the wind. At the top, in big letters, read, “Need a diet? Look no ferther!” On the bottom, in smaller text, it continued, “instant wait loss 4 free! no strings atached! seek August in Abundent Forest 3F” This was all clearly written by paw, and rather poorly at that. Some of the letters were backwards, and he was pretty sure ‘Abundant’ was misspelled, along with a few other words. Lastly, in the middle sat a very crude drawing of… what appeared to be another quilava.

Presumably that was ‘August’, and ‘Abundant Forest’ must’ve been the name of that new mystery dungeon. Who in their right mind would set up a business inside one of those? Not that any part of this flyer looked remotely legitimate in the first place. Blitz wasn’t sure if this was more likely to be a scam or a trap. Then again… 3F wasn’t very deep, and if it was a trap, he was pretty confident he could fight his way out of it. That dungeon’s titular abundance was the source of the quil’s current problem; was it too much to hope it could also house the solution? There was only one way to find out.

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As Blitz expected, it didn’t take him long at all to reach the third floor of the dungeon, though he still took a couple apples with him just in case. (Couldn’t risk his usual method of filling the hunger meter and gain even more weight.) There, he found a room that at first looked like a kecleon shop, until he noticed that there were no items on the mat. Instead, sitting in the middle of it was a lone pokémon, a fellow quilava.

Like Blitz, the quil’s fur was a darker color than normal, but this one’s was fully black instead of purple. More noticeable than his color, however, was his size. Putting aside the visibly well-fed gut that rivaled even Blitz’s at the moment, his overall size was not gigantic, but clearly well above average for a quilava. He’d be kind of intimidating if Blitz was the kind of pokémon who got intimidated easily, and if this wasn’t likely to be the same pokémon who had made that arceus-awful flyer.

“Are you… August?” Blitz asked tentatively, the skepticism clear in his voice.

“Yep, that’s me,” the other quil answered while casually picking his teeth with a claw. “You a customer?” That was an awfully informal response for a supposed business.

Blitz wasted no time getting straight to the point. “Okay, what is this, really? There’s no way you’re a real business, right?”

“Of course it’s real, I’ve got a mat and flyers and everything,” August answered confidently.

However, despite that amazing argument, Blitz somehow remained unconvinced. “Uh-huh, and the best place to set it up is in the middle of a mystery dungeon?”

“Why not? The kecleons do it, and they do it cause this is where the business is. This forest is full of easy prey and fattening fruits. Even the so-called ‘civilized’ guild mons get bigger when they pass through here, and that makes this the perfect spot to offer my services.”

Blitz took another glance around the room. “And what ‘service’ is that, exactly? I don’t see any medicine or magic items around. You know you’re supposed to put the product on the mat, right?”

“I did, the ‘product’ is right here!” August slapped his belly with a smug grin, making it jiggle. “The pounds literally melt right off.”

With narrowed eyes, Blitz looked down at August’s still wobbling gut, then back up at his face, and without a word ignited the flames on his body, prompting August to raise his hands up in defense.

“Whoa whoa, what’s the problem? You got reviver seeds, dontcha? No mon goes into a dungeon without one.”

Blitz was just perplexed by how casual this quil was acting. Of course he had a seed on him, but that didn’t make the proposal sound any less insane. For now, though, the flames subsided. “Okay, I’ll bite. How would that help me lose weight?”

“I’m glad you asked.” August flashed a sly grin and appeared to size Blitz up with his eyes. “The thing about reviver seeds is no one knows for sure how they work,”

“I’m pretty sure people have studied-” Blitz tried to correct him, but was quickly interrupted.

“No one. Knows. For sure. But what we do know is they’re lazy. If you get digested and it has to make a whole new body for ya, it makes the bare minimum and leaves any ‘extra mass’ behind. You see where I’m going with this?” he beamed after having his ‘genius plan’ laid bare.

Blitz needed a moment just to take it all in. “I thought you were joking earlier, but you’re really… charging people to eat them?” He had to say it out loud just to make sure he was understanding it right.

“Who said I’m charging? This is a free service,” he answered plainly.

“Huh? Then what do you get out of it?”

“A free meal, obviously.” A bit of drool was beginning to form in the corner of August’s mouth as he spoke.

Blitz glanced back down at that paunchy middle and had the feeling this quil wasn’t in any desperate need of food. “Aren’t there plenty of easy ‘free meals’ in this forest already?”

August scoffed. “Yeah. Too easy. I like to actually work for my meals.”

“What? How are you ‘working for them’ like this? You’re just sitting around, waiting for them to come to you!”

“Well for one, it was a lot of work learning how to write so I could make those flyers,” he said somewhat defensively. Then, with a shrug, he added, “Okay, I’m mostly just bored and want to see how many saps I can actually convince to feed themselves to me,” followed by a light cackle. For a supposed conman, he was being very straightforward. Blitz was getting the impression this guy only learned the word “business” a few days ago at most.

“Did you actually think any of this through? You realize that ‘extra mass’ you were talking about will just end up on your already extra mass.”

“I never said the diet was for me,” August answered bluntly. “This chub is the mark of a successful predator, doesn’t matter how I get it. I never got why you townies are always so eager to get rid of yours, but it’s good business for me.”

“Hey! I’m not a-” Blitz started, mildly offended by the insinuation, but he quickly realized there was no point in trying to correct him. It was clear by now that August was barely holding together this ‘businessman’ facade, and he hadn't been trying very hard to begin with. The way he acted, he might’ve been even more wild than Blitz was. In fact, Blitz half-suspected that if he said no, August would just try to gobble him up anyway. As much as he’d like to see him try, that flareon and the way she turned her nose up at him still burned fresh in his memory.

Finally, with a sigh, he said, “Alright fine, I’ll do it.” This was so embarrassing, but if it worked…

“Excellent!” August exclaimed. “Then you know what’s next~” He walked right up to Blitz and just opened his maw.

Blitz winced from the hot breath hitting his face. Well, this was the last chance to back out if there was one. It was now or never. Blitz steeled his nerves and tried to just focus on what he’d look like afterwards as he began to climb in. Well, ‘climb’ was a strong word. He only managed to fit his face and forepaws in before he lacked the leverage to go any further.

Apparently though, that was all he needed to do. Without warning, he felt a paw on the back of his head shove him further in, and then a strong swallow pulled him even deeper. It was all so sudden, like August had just been restraining himself until now. The tight throat squeezed Blitz from all sides as it greedily tugged him deeper and deeper. Even when it felt like he wouldn’t fit any further in, he was forced through without slowing down. ‘Gentle’, it seemed, was not a word in this quilava’s vocabulary.

In no time, the space opened up around Blitz as his head reached the stomach, just as his hind paws felt the warmth of August’s mouth. Gradually, the rest of him squeezed out of the tight tube and spilled into the chamber, not that the stomach was that much roomier.

BUUUUAAAAAARRRRRRRP!

Then, with a sudden belch, it was even less roomy. The stomach walls basically hugged Blitz from all sides, and the pressure got only worse with the addition of a sudden weight on top of him that could’ve only been August laying on his belly. He wasn’t exactly trying to make this comfortable for his ‘customer’, if he was even still thinking about him at all. As soon as he got his meal inside him, any scraps of civility this predator pretended to have were completely discarded. All things considered, the guts were pretty soft, though. One could only imagine why…

All Blitz could do now was wait to be digested, but he wouldn’t have to wait long given acids had immediately poured into the chamber as soon as he arrived, and were now already starting to tingle. It seemed this body was efficient in breaking down meals, and here he was, a big lump of fatty meat waiting to be broken down. It was a little embarrassing to have willingly gone through with this, but he assured himself the end result would be worth it.

Over time, the gut felt warmer and the weight above him felt heavier, though that was due to Blitz’s own body getting weaker. The sounds of groaning and churning filled his ears, and he could even feel himself slowly melting. It was only a matter of time before he stopped feeling anything, this tight sauna-like experience could only go on for so long. Just when he felt like he was about to pass out, the weight suddenly lifted, most likely from August standing up, and then just as suddenly,

FWUMP! CRUNCH! 

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The next thing Blitz knew, he was coming to on the forest floor. It looked like the same spot he was in before. He wasn’t sure how long he was ‘out’ for before the reviver seed kicked in, but evidently, August was still there as well, laying on his back, fast asleep. In this position, his belly was on full display, and it was definitely bigger than before. Blitz wondered to himself if there were any of his remains left in there at this point, or if it was all pure fat.

Wait, fat… that’s right! Blitz got up on his hindlegs to look down at his body, and amazingly, he could! He could stand again! And he could see his feet! This bullshit ‘service’ actually worked, and Blitz was once again a lean, mean, fighting (and hopefully loving) machine! It was time for him to hit the town with newfound confidence; that flareon won’t know what hit her.

Before he left, he glanced back at August one more time. The nerve of that guy, sleeping out in the open, all exposed. He acted like he was on the top of the food chain and in no danger. Blitz had half a mind to prove him wrong right then and there, but that would undo all the progress he just made. “Maybe another time,” he muttered to himself before walking away towards the dungeon’s exit. If there was any of him left in those guts, he didn’t want to still be there when it came back out.